Grandma's Don't Know Everything
>
>
> Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
> He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
> came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2
> people
> are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
>
> She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
> "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said,
> "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
>
> A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not
> called
> sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to
> you!!"
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a
> trip to the country with the
> express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
> They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would
> be considered a very poor family.
> On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How
> was the trip?"
> "It was great, Dad."
> "Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
> "Oh yeah," said the son.
> "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the
> father.
> The son answered:
> "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
> We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they
> have a creek that has no end.
> We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars
> at night.
> Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole
> horizon.
> We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields
> that go beyond our sight.
> We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
> We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
> We have walls around our property to protect us, they have
> friends to protect them."
> The boy's father was speechless.
> Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
> Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would
> happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of
> worrying about what we don't have.
> Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
> Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh
> their perspective and appreciation.
> "Life is too short and friends are too few."
>
Subject: Retirement - something to look forward to.
>
> Mr. And Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go
> with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips.
> He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day
> Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
>
> Dear Mrs. Fenton,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
> in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you
> from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video
> surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are
> listed below.
>
> Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
> carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
> intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies
> rest rooms.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
> 'Code 3' in house wares..... And watched what happened.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
> layaway.
>
> 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
> shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
> department.
>
> 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
> and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
>
> 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
> and picked his nose.
>
> 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
> clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
>
> 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
> "Mission Impossible" theme.
>
> 12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
> using different size funnels.
>
> 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
> yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
>
> 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
> again!!!!"
>
> And last, but not least ..
>
> 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
> then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
>
Oysters
>
> A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
> around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
> scrumptious looking
> platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
> smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
> The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
> called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.
> A
> delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter
> replied,
> "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is
> only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order,
> we
> will be sure to save you this delicacy."
>
> The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
> evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a
> few
> bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
> delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
> yesterday."The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor.
> Sometimes the
> bull wins.
An office manager at Wal-mart was given the task of hiring an Individual
> to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
> four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
> ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
> would get the job.
> The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
> interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
> Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
> "It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
> it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
> "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
> the second man.
> "Hmm! ... Let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
> it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
> "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
> popular cliché for speed. "He then turned to the third man who was
> contemplating his reply.
> "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
> there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
> pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
> TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
> The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
> had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
> Turning to Joe, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
> question.
> Old Joe replied, " After hearing the three previous answers, it's
> obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
> "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
> "Oh I can explain." said Old Joe. "You see the other day I wasn't
> feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
> BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already soiled my pants."
> Old Joe is now the new greeter at a Wal-mart near you!!!!
>
>
>
> Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
> He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
> came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2
> people
> are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
>
> She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
> "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said,
> "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
>
> A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not
> called
> sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to
> you!!"
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a
> trip to the country with the
> express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
> They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would
> be considered a very poor family.
> On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How
> was the trip?"
> "It was great, Dad."
> "Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
> "Oh yeah," said the son.
> "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the
> father.
> The son answered:
> "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
> We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they
> have a creek that has no end.
> We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars
> at night.
> Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole
> horizon.
> We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields
> that go beyond our sight.
> We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
> We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
> We have walls around our property to protect us, they have
> friends to protect them."
> The boy's father was speechless.
> Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
> Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would
> happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of
> worrying about what we don't have.
> Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
> Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh
> their perspective and appreciation.
> "Life is too short and friends are too few."
>
Subject: Retirement - something to look forward to.
>
> Mr. And Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go
> with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips.
> He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day
> Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
>
> Dear Mrs. Fenton,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
> in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you
> from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video
> surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are
> listed below.
>
> Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
> carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
> intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies
> rest rooms.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
> 'Code 3' in house wares..... And watched what happened.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
> layaway.
>
> 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
> shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
> department.
>
> 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
> and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
>
> 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
> and picked his nose.
>
> 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
> clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
>
> 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
> "Mission Impossible" theme.
>
> 12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
> using different size funnels.
>
> 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
> yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
>
> 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
> again!!!!"
>
> And last, but not least ..
>
> 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
> then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
>
Oysters
>
> A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
> around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
> scrumptious looking
> platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
> smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
> The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
> called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.
> A
> delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter
> replied,
> "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is
> only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order,
> we
> will be sure to save you this delicacy."
>
> The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
> evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a
> few
> bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
> delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
> yesterday."The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor.
> Sometimes the
> bull wins.
An office manager at Wal-mart was given the task of hiring an Individual
> to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
> four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
> ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
> would get the job.
> The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
> interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
> Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
> "It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
> it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
> "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
> the second man.
> "Hmm! ... Let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
> it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
> "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
> popular cliché for speed. "He then turned to the third man who was
> contemplating his reply.
> "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
> there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
> pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
> TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
> The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
> had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
> Turning to Joe, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
> question.
> Old Joe replied, " After hearing the three previous answers, it's
> obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
> "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
> "Oh I can explain." said Old Joe. "You see the other day I wasn't
> feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
> BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already soiled my pants."
> Old Joe is now the new greeter at a Wal-mart near you!!!!
>