Daily Laugh

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Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


This is done by the Chip Monks.

:teeth
 
I really do not want to offend anyone, but this is a true story. In the late 1960’s I worked at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida on the Apollo Project.

My friend and fellow worker Jim was an African-American. At this time Black people were now buying houses in previously all white neighborhoods. Jim and his wife bought a really nice house in a really nice neighborhood.

Jim kept an immaculate well landscaped yard. One day while he was in the yard a big fat woman in a large Lincoln sedan stopped at the curb, rolled down the passenger electric window and said “Boy come here”.

Jim sensing a traditionally old White Southern woman came up to the window and said “Yassam, can I help you?” She said this is a really nice yard, how much do you charge to do this.

Jim replied, “Oh Ise don’t charge anything, Ise gets to sleep with the lady inside.”

Whoosh up goes the electric window and Zoom down the street goes the big Lincoln.

Jim and all of us at work got a big laugh at this event.
 
Bets at the Nursing Home.

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined To prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87 years Old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'
 
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady,
"I know just what you're wanting. For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse.
She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies.
"Four times in the rocking chair!!!!."
 
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
 
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
 
3 Kinds of Honeymoons.

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are too strict."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'" Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
 
Little Timmy at the Circus.

Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?"

His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."

Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."

His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."

Timmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"

Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Mom said it was nothing."

"I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."
 
Have you ever been told that you don't know Jack shit ? Well thanks to my efforts and research you can now respond in an intellectual way....You see Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit , and Oh Shit . They are the owners of Knee deep in Shit INC. In turn Jack Shit is married to Noe Shit , they have six children Holie Shit , Giva Shit , Fulla Shit , Bull Shit , and the twins Deep Shit , and Dip Shit. Deep Shit is married to Dumb Shit who is a highschool dropout. Then after twenty five years of marriage Jack and Noe Shit got divorced ... Noe Shit then married Ted Sherlock and she became known as Noe Shit Sherlock . Dip Shit is married to Lota Shit . and they have a child with a nervous disposition named Chicken Shit. The girls Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers, Everyone was invited to the Shit Happens wedding. Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride Pisa Shit. And so now nobody can ever say that you don't know Jack Shit, cause you now know the history of the whole family
 
Coming Back From Ladies Night.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, even after drinking so much.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! I Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat".
 
Subject: Need the whole story.....

Each day, the new male employee stands next to a female co-worker at thecoffee machine. He inhales quite deeply, and comments that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She goes to asupervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the male employee.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget."
 
Praying for $100.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the White House so the President can have a look at it.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.

He worte: "Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted 95%.
 
Coming Back From Ladies Night?

My Daddy said when I got married to insist on one night out with the boys.

He added if you spend your night out only with the boys:

You are a fool!
 
Getting Rid of a Stutter


A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure, he walks into the doctor's office and says:

"D D D D Doctor, you've g g g g got to Help m m m me, I'll dddo anyt t t t thing."

The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem….

"Your penis is massive, it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutter. I can, if you'd like, shorten your penis and relieve the great tension on your larynx. The effects will be instantaneous, and we can operate today."

"D D D D Do it!"

So they prep for surgery and very quickly the operation is performed. A complete success, the man leaves for home delighted to be cured. But that night his wife finds out what he did. She is very unhappy and urges him to reverse the surgery.

And so the next day the man arrives back at the doctor's surgery.

"Hello doctor and thanks for seeing me again. I'm completely cured and most of all I'm very grateful, but unfortunately my wife is not, I want to reverse the surgery."

But the doctor replays...

"N N N N N N No Refunds"
 
Gone Too Far...

A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: A brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had.


"Faster! Faster!!" Yells the new bride.

"I'll make you a deal." Says the groom with a smile. "If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous wife.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off her dress.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was fine, but the groom got jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her private area, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My husband's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."
 
A touching story on how men think.

(This older guy is laying in a hospital bed, recovering from a heart attack, talking to his wife of many years.)

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
 
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