Daily Laugh

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Sometimes, I just can't help myself…………..


The One


A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live?. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
 
I'll Have Some of That...

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

The nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

The nun asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

The nun answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

The nun responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
 
The Fisherman and the Tourist

A boat docked in a tiny seaside village. An American tourist complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the fisherman.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the fisherman.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends."
 
Husband’s Message (by cellphone):

Honey, a car hit me on the way to the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been taking X-rays. The blow to my head was hard, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.










Wife’s Response:

Who is Paula?
 
Every now and then you get a short story that just makes you think a little
more.


Never drink tequila............

Tequila


A man walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."


"Second -
There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third -
There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."


The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 --
but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila
and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender,
"but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks --
but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling,
screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight --
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds
and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says,

"Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"



**********************************************************************
 
I am so old - I must be loosing my memory.

The other morning I was sitting on the side of my bed trying to wake up.
I had my head in my hands, not shaven, hair all messed up.

My wife walks out of the bathroom all spiffed up, ready to go shopping, looks at me and says:

BOY, YOU HAVE HAD IT!

I do not even remember getting it.
 
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought
they were stupid to walk when they had a
decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,
you might as well kiss your ass goodbye!
 
From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...


"A f r i c a n Elephant"

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
 
Making Sure

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
 
The Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
 
Give Him the Cross

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light . . ..

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Margret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin’ wankers, before I come over there and rip yer n____ off!"

Sister Margret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"
 
WHEN YOU'RE OVER 70 YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

I was watching this girl dancing at a local Gentleman’s Club the other night and
She said “Aren’t you going to give me a tip?”
I said, yes, loose 20 pounds.
 
True Story

An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for sex"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
 
Umm... Joe, that one was just as funny as when it was posted here last month. :twisted:

True story.

Now, I have to go back to reading that "Is it time?" thread. :mrgreen:
 
JamesTXSD":14jp57mi said:
Umm... Joe, that one was just as funny as when it was posted here last month. :twisted:

True story.

Now, I have to go back to reading that "Is it time?" thread. :mrgreen:
Click to expand...

Oh-Oh! :smileo

I've heard and posted so many, I lose track!

And there's no easy way to research back through 66 pages for duplication unless a joke has a unique word in it that won't be found anywhere else.

So pardon the slip / duplication , and ……….

tell me if you've heard this one before……………….!


Six retired Jewish fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
 
HEY LOOK ITS GOT TWINS !!

OK, that was the punch line but I don't hear anybody laughing??

Go check out the 5 photo's I posted last night and find the one with this caption and I'm sure you'll at least break a grin.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER - I will not be held accountable for any high blood pressure issues arising from any reigniting of the "twins" VS "main/kicker" debate!! :)
 
IMG_1056_1.jpg

"HEY LOOK, IT'S GOT TWINS!"

I SAW THAT LAST NIGHT, BUT WHY FEED HARVEY MORE FUEL?

AND, THE INEVITABLE QUESTIONS:

"DO YOU THINK THE HONDA 2 HP WILL BE ALL RIGHT AS A KICKER?

AND:

"CAN I TOW IT WITH MY COMMUTE VEHICLE / JOHN DEER LAWN TRACTOR?"

AND:

"SO WHERE DO I MOUNT MY-

ROD HOLDERS?

BOW LIGHT?

DINGHY / KAYACK ?

AND

WHERE'S THE EASIEST PLACE TO LAUNCH IT AND LEAVE MY TOW VEHICLE WHEN I GO OUT FISHING / CRUISING / CRABBING / SHRIMPING / GUNKHOLING

AND

HOW DO I CHECK FOR ROT IN THE BALSA CORE?


??????????????????

Joe. :teeth :thup
 
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