Daily Laugh
- Thread starter Sea Wolf
- Start date
- Status
Some good advice to live by
BUBBA’S ETIQUETTE COLUMN
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hand
ENTERTAINING
IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners
are.
PERSONAL HYGEINE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, let her know you're interested. Say something like:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I
seen what was rote on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Make every effort to date chicks who are not related to you.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt might be considered
tacky..
4. Grin and bear it: say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not burn rubber when traveling in a funeral procession.
BUBBA’S ETIQUETTE COLUMN
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hand
ENTERTAINING
IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners
are.
PERSONAL HYGEINE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, let her know you're interested. Say something like:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I
seen what was rote on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Make every effort to date chicks who are not related to you.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt might be considered
tacky..
4. Grin and bear it: say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not burn rubber when traveling in a funeral procession.
Captains Cat
New member
Received on my g-mail account at 1241AM today. Very timely!! I'll leave it to whomever wants to help this poor unfortunate lady. The proceeds could pay for my TomCat and more!!
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Good day,
I am Abida Gaddafi wife of late Saif al-Arab Gaddafi the son of Colonel Gaddafi the Libyan leader.
I am contacting you to assist me in removing the sum of thirty six million USA dollars been deposited with a security company in London UK.
The funds was deposited with a security company in my name and as a matter of fact me, my only son and the entire family of my father in-law were trapped in a bunker here in Tripoli until four days ago when I manage to sneak out with my son with the help of a security guard, right now I have crossed the border and I am presently into hiding in Senegal without any other means of communication unless my laptop hoping to arrange for my traveling out possible to Europe to safeguard my life because I know that the regime of my father in-law will collapse in a matter of some weeks.
Please for your kind assistance I will offer you 30% of the total sum, all the legal documentation concerning the deposit are with me, I will only write power of attorney making you the new beneficiary of the deposit so that the security company can release the consignment to you.
Bear in mind that the funds was deposited with the security firm as household effect, therefore they do not know the real content, so you are going to collect the consignment as house effect from the security company whereas only you and me know the real content.
Once you successfully collect the consignments from the security company you will send me with some money so that I can arrange for my traveling where we can meet ourselves for disbursement.
May Allah grant you the heart to assist me and my only son in this our trial period, please never you abandon me with my son just because we are Arabs, but I want to assure you that I am of a clean heart that was brought up under western education but married to a cruel family.
Get back with your details so that we can proceed without delay because I am here without help from no one.
Abida Gaddafi
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh the humanity!! :roll: :roll:
Charlie
------------------------------------------------------------------
Good day,
I am Abida Gaddafi wife of late Saif al-Arab Gaddafi the son of Colonel Gaddafi the Libyan leader.
I am contacting you to assist me in removing the sum of thirty six million USA dollars been deposited with a security company in London UK.
The funds was deposited with a security company in my name and as a matter of fact me, my only son and the entire family of my father in-law were trapped in a bunker here in Tripoli until four days ago when I manage to sneak out with my son with the help of a security guard, right now I have crossed the border and I am presently into hiding in Senegal without any other means of communication unless my laptop hoping to arrange for my traveling out possible to Europe to safeguard my life because I know that the regime of my father in-law will collapse in a matter of some weeks.
Please for your kind assistance I will offer you 30% of the total sum, all the legal documentation concerning the deposit are with me, I will only write power of attorney making you the new beneficiary of the deposit so that the security company can release the consignment to you.
Bear in mind that the funds was deposited with the security firm as household effect, therefore they do not know the real content, so you are going to collect the consignment as house effect from the security company whereas only you and me know the real content.
Once you successfully collect the consignments from the security company you will send me with some money so that I can arrange for my traveling where we can meet ourselves for disbursement.
May Allah grant you the heart to assist me and my only son in this our trial period, please never you abandon me with my son just because we are Arabs, but I want to assure you that I am of a clean heart that was brought up under western education but married to a cruel family.
Get back with your details so that we can proceed without delay because I am here without help from no one.
Abida Gaddafi
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh the humanity!! :roll: :roll:
Charlie
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill ...
followed by:
Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"
Lady Astor looked at Churchill and said, "Sir, you are drunk!" He replied, "And Madam, you are ugly. At least in the morning I'll be sober."
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill ...
followed by:
Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"
Lady Astor looked at Churchill and said, "Sir, you are drunk!" He replied, "And Madam, you are ugly. At least in the morning I'll be sober."
> -HISTORICAL TRIVIA......
>
> Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creeks don't
> Rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body
> Of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late
> 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat.
> While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President
> Of the U.S. To return to Washington . In his response, he
> Was said to write, "God willing and the Creeks don't
> Rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creeks" it is
> Deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and
> Not a body of water.
> ************************************************************
> In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's
> Image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of
> George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with
> One arm behind his back while others showed both legs and
> Both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on
> How many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs
> Were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore
> Painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the
> Expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'
> (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)
> ******************************
> As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only
> Twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair
> Covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and
> Bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs
> Made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean
> Them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in
> The shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would
> Make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.. '
> Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig'
> Because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
> ************************************************************
> In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room
> With only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded
> Down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of
> The household' always sat in the chair while everyone else
> Ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was
> Usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair
> During a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important
> And in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair
> The 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression
> Or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'
> ************************************************************
> Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a
> Result, many women and men had developed acne scars by
> Adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their
> Facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they
> Were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at
> Another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's
> Wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence
> The term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too
> Close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the
> Expression 'losing face.'
> ********************************************
> Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A
> Proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.
> ************************************************************
> Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there
> Was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only
> Applicable to the 'Ace of Spades..' To avoid paying the
> Tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since
> Most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to
> Be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'
> ************************************************************
> Early politicians required feedback from the public to
> Determine what the people considered important. Since
> There were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians
> Sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.
> They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's
> Conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were
> Dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You
> Go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually
> Combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we
> Have the term 'gossip.'
> ************************************************************
> At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint
> And quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep
> An eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She
> Had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in
> 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase
> 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.
> ************************************************************
> One more: bet you didn't know this!
>
> In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many
> Freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round
> Iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply
> Near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling
> About the deck? The best storage method devised was a
> square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four
> resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply
> of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right
> next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to
> prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under
> the others. The solution was a metal plate called a
> 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this
> plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust
> to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make
> 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass
> contracts much more and much faster than iron when
> chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far,
> the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs
> would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite
> literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
> monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)
>
> .
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creeks don't
> Rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body
> Of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late
> 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat.
> While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President
> Of the U.S. To return to Washington . In his response, he
> Was said to write, "God willing and the Creeks don't
> Rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creeks" it is
> Deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and
> Not a body of water.
> ************************************************************
> In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's
> Image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of
> George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with
> One arm behind his back while others showed both legs and
> Both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on
> How many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs
> Were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore
> Painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the
> Expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'
> (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)
> ******************************
> As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only
> Twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair
> Covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and
> Bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs
> Made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean
> Them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in
> The shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would
> Make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.. '
> Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig'
> Because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
> ************************************************************
> In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room
> With only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded
> Down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of
> The household' always sat in the chair while everyone else
> Ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was
> Usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair
> During a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important
> And in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair
> The 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression
> Or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'
> ************************************************************
> Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a
> Result, many women and men had developed acne scars by
> Adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their
> Facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they
> Were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at
> Another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's
> Wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence
> The term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too
> Close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the
> Expression 'losing face.'
> ********************************************
> Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A
> Proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.
> ************************************************************
> Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there
> Was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only
> Applicable to the 'Ace of Spades..' To avoid paying the
> Tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since
> Most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to
> Be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'
> ************************************************************
> Early politicians required feedback from the public to
> Determine what the people considered important. Since
> There were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians
> Sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.
> They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's
> Conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were
> Dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You
> Go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually
> Combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we
> Have the term 'gossip.'
> ************************************************************
> At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint
> And quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep
> An eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She
> Had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in
> 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase
> 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.
> ************************************************************
> One more: bet you didn't know this!
>
> In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many
> Freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round
> Iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply
> Near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling
> About the deck? The best storage method devised was a
> square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four
> resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply
> of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right
> next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to
> prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under
> the others. The solution was a metal plate called a
> 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this
> plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust
> to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make
> 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass
> contracts much more and much faster than iron when
> chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far,
> the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs
> would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite
> literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
> monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)
>
> .
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificatefor an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificatefor an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Fort Myers, Florida . ...
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents'.
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Atlanta," the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime...wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."
"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired folks from Pennsylvania. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents'.
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Atlanta," the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime...wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."
"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired folks from Pennsylvania. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Always make me laugh, Marty
Oxymorons
A Fine Mess
A just war
A little big
a little pregnant
A new classic
absolutely unsure
abundant poverty
academic fraternity
Academic sorority
Accidentally on Purpose
accurate estimate
accurate horoscope
accurate rumors
accurate stereotype
acrophobic mountain climber
Act Naturally
active retirement
actual reenactment
acute apathy
acute dullness
adult children
Adult male
advanced BASIC
advanced beginner
Affirmative action
affordable housing
aging yuppie
agree to disagree
Airline Food
airline schedules
all alone
All natural artificial flavor
alltogether separate
alone in a crowd
almost candid
Almost done
almost exactly
almost pregnant
Almost Ready
almost safe
almost suddenly
almost surprised
almost totally
alone together
amateur expert
American culture
American education
American English
amicable divorce
among the first
Amtrak schedule
Anarchy Rules!
anonymous colleague
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Act naturally
Happily married
Microsoft Works
Holy war
Found missing
Resident alien
Minor Catastrophe
Affordable housing
Near miss
Great depression
Canadian army
Phone sex
United nations
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Death benefits
Airline Food
Women's rights
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Sensitive man
Government organization
Everything except
Civil War
Good kid
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
New and improved
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer Burn
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Loners Club
Postal Service
Oxymorons
A Fine Mess
A just war
A little big
a little pregnant
A new classic
absolutely unsure
abundant poverty
academic fraternity
Academic sorority
Accidentally on Purpose
accurate estimate
accurate horoscope
accurate rumors
accurate stereotype
acrophobic mountain climber
Act Naturally
active retirement
actual reenactment
acute apathy
acute dullness
adult children
Adult male
advanced BASIC
advanced beginner
Affirmative action
affordable housing
aging yuppie
agree to disagree
Airline Food
airline schedules
all alone
All natural artificial flavor
alltogether separate
alone in a crowd
almost candid
Almost done
almost exactly
almost pregnant
Almost Ready
almost safe
almost suddenly
almost surprised
almost totally
alone together
amateur expert
American culture
American education
American English
amicable divorce
among the first
Amtrak schedule
Anarchy Rules!
anonymous colleague
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Act naturally
Happily married
Microsoft Works
Holy war
Found missing
Resident alien
Minor Catastrophe
Affordable housing
Near miss
Great depression
Canadian army
Phone sex
United nations
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Death benefits
Airline Food
Women's rights
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Sensitive man
Government organization
Everything except
Civil War
Good kid
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
New and improved
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer Burn
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Loners Club
Postal Service
Captains Cat
New member
Thanks to Herb and Wilma!
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling". Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a-- holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well, only two left."
Moral of the story....don't mess with seniors, they didn't get old by being stupid.
Moral of the story....don't mess with seniors, they didn't get old by being stupid.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish Mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said: “You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built.”
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.
When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said: “You see that bridge over there?”
The Spaniard replied; “No.”
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish Mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said: “You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built.”
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.
When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said: “You see that bridge over there?”
The Spaniard replied; “No.”
Places I have, and not have been...
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
I have been in Deepsh.t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
I have been in Deepsh.t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released
from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot
himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also
committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the
winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open,
was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral: Screw work; Play golf.
Author Unknown...
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released
from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot
himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also
committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the
winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open,
was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral: Screw work; Play golf.
Author Unknown...
excellent on the work joke
A journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Sire, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
A journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Sire, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily .
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily .
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember
Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate...
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember
Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate...
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
- Status