Daily Laugh
- Thread starter Sea Wolf
- Start date
- Status
BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila - Don Julio Reposado
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
tequila again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level
cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At
this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another
cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add
to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
Druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of
salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and
strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally,
throw the bowl through the window.. Finish the tequila and wipe counter
with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila - Don Julio Reposado
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
tequila again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level
cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At
this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another
cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add
to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
Druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of
salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and
strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally,
throw the bowl through the window.. Finish the tequila and wipe counter
with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Captains Cat
New member
Nope, Sally said it's because "It reminds him of meat!"
Charlie
Charlie
To my friends and family who enjoy a glass of wine . . and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. (that's over 2 pounds).
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of **** .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. :beer :beer :cocktail :cocktail
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. (that's over 2 pounds).
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of **** .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. :beer :beer :cocktail :cocktail
C-Hawk":2hae2aka said:
Roger-
Very cute and funny!
But, just for the record, the story doesn't hold water, or bacteria, for that matter, historically.
The history of optics, Mr. van Leeuwenhoek, Louis Pasteur, the Term theory of Disease,, Dr. Lister, Bacteriology, and the all rest don't put our Most Beloved Ben Franklin's supposed quotation in the right chronological time frame.
To wit:
Help me find the source of this quote
Who said "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria" ?
Who came up with this quote and am I reciting it correctly?
Still very funny, just the same! :lol:
See ya' in Seattle!
Joe.:teeth :thup
Grateful 2008 summary
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the
past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of
recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel
or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones
nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.
ï
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring
me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-
mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the
past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of
recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel
or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones
nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.
ï
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring
me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-
mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Subject: Estate Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to
her, 'but in a short time my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she married his father.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.!!!!!!!
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to
her, 'but in a short time my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she married his father.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.!!!!!!!
Good Place for Dinner
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4632991n
This is truly a meal to die for! If you eat here often it may be exactly what happens.
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4632991n
This is truly a meal to die for! If you eat here often it may be exactly what happens.
Here's a funny out-take on 2008 in review
Not being the top gun in "nerdology" and having a load of end of the year data to process, I waded into it with some trepidation, beginning right after Christmas. Things were going as expected when the computer was running slow, the archiving was fraught with "Do you want to copy this duplicate file" massages and the external hard drive was reaching 75% capacity. I went in early (0600) on New Years Day, sure that I could beat the rush at the tech support call center, to no avail, they were off for the Holiday. I muddled on my own, until I get a message that "Shared drive is Unavailable". Checking the properties I see that my 5 gig of data has completely filled the 22 gigs of available space. Running "Check disc" gets me the info that I have FAT 32, some people would argue with that. Stymied, so I grab the phone and call our local computer specialist service, Computer Mark, and wait for his response.
His Answer: "Hello, this is Mark with Rotor Rooter, May I help you?"
My Answer: "Absolutely, come on over, I have 2 computers and an External hard drive that need a good cleanout!"
Must have dialed a wrong number.... mistake or miracle ..... sure made my day :cry :roll: :xnaughty
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
His Answer: "Hello, this is Mark with Rotor Rooter, May I help you?"
My Answer: "Absolutely, come on over, I have 2 computers and an External hard drive that need a good cleanout!"
Must have dialed a wrong number.... mistake or miracle ..... sure made my day :cry :roll: :xnaughty
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
A Brat towed his C-Dory into a truck stop and went to the cafe to place his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The Brat asked, "What are the beans for, cutie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The Brat asked, "What are the beans for, cutie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
A blonde goes to the post office to
buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the
clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and
22 Baptists.
buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the
clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and
22 Baptists.
New Years Resolution To Get More Exercise?
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Captains Cat
New member
Do you ever get to eat the potatoes?? :roll:
Sounds like a good plan...
Charlie
Sounds like a good plan...
Charlie
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room
Captains Cat":3s32sjb7 said:
Yeah - I like mine with LOTS of butter, cheese, and bacon... so much for the weight loss plan. :roll:
--------------------------------------
Marty,
I just read your post above and nearly choked I was laughing so hard. Great way to start off the day with a good belly laugh!
:thup Best wishes,
Jim
- Status