Winter PUNs - Cabin fever setting in?

C

Captains Cat

New member
OK, we're all too serious here, time for some lightheartedness (is that a word :?: ) Post a few puns and we'll have some to zing our neighbors with at the Superbowl parties. Here's one to get started (snuck it out of iboats, not original with me :sad )
*******************************************
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window saying:

HELP WANTED
Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.


The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager
expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog
jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business
letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped
back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign
clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very
intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the darned sign says But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,

"Meow."

****************************************

Next?

Charlie
 
A fella gets up early in the morning to
go deer hunting. He fixes coffee and some
sandwiches, and throws it all in his pack
with some cookies etc.. When he leaves
its raining out and when he gets out of the
drive and a little ways from home, he hears
the weather man say it will be like this all day.
The man turns his truck around and returns
home.
When he arrives home he decides to make the
most out of his change in plans, shucks out of
his clothes and climbs back into bed where his
wife is still sleeping peacefully. Its really raining out
he says to his wife softly, as he nuzzles her neck.
Yea his wife says sleepily, I can't believe my
idiot husbands out hunting in that mess.
 
Olga and Sven used to go out every Fridy night....arg...can't tell that one.
A gal walks into the pet store and see a magic frog for $800 and asks the manager what's up with the frog....arg.....better not tell that one.
Three cowpokes where sitting around the campfire bragging one night.....arg...can't tell that one either

let me get back to you
 
All three of those are good jokes to. :mrgreen:


There's three types of people in
the world those that can count
and those that can't. :lol:
 
katkt":3vu1u9ib said:
All three of those are good jokes to. :mrgreen:


There's three types of people in
the world those that can count
and those that can't. :lol:
Click to expand...

No there are TWO types of people in the world - Those who think there are two types of people in the world and those who realize it's more complicated than that!.

Roger on the SeaDNA
 
Bush and Kerry are in a dead heat after election day. The Democrat and Republican party heads get together and decide the only fair way to resolve who will be president is to hold a four day fish off in Minnesota.

Both candidates arrive at the lake which is covered in ice and receive contest directions. The candidates flip to see which end of the lake each of them will be fishing. They will fish for eight hours each day and the candidate catching the most fish after four days becomes the uncontested President of the United States. Both candidates head back to the lodge to get a early dinner and full nights rest.

Day One. Kerry brings in two fish, Bush none.
Day Two. Kerry brings in five fish, Bush none.
Day Three. Kerry brings in six fish, Bush none.
(Bush talks to Dick Chaney at dinner that night accusing Kerry of cheating. He directs Dick to sneak up on Kerry the next day by going through the woods and to figure out how Kerry is cheating.
Day Four. Chaney runs up to Bush half way through the last day and exclaims "George you were right. They are cheating. They're cutting holes in the ice"
 
A couple of hikers are out on a spring
morning walking in the woods. When they venture
into a clearing to warm up a little in the sun, they
suprise a bear that has just recently awoke from
his winter slumber. A chase begans and after a
short distance one of the hikers suddenly stops,
jerks off his pack and digs out his tennis shoes.
His companion in disbelief says, your not going
to be able to out run that bear, to which the other
replies, I don't have to out run the bear! :mrgreen:
 
Is he the guy that writes for the paper also?
I have read just about all of them. Try
Elmore Leonard :thup




Left field is pretty close for ol Carl Hiaasen :mrgreen:
 
aw, ya may be thinking of Dave Barry, funny writer, I don't believe Hiasson writes for any paper....Elmore, that guy has to be humorus with a name like that, I'll check it out
 
Lightbulb jokes...

How many UW football players does it take to change a lightbulb? One but he get's three credits.

How many real men..? None real men aren't afraid of the dark.

How many male chauvinist pigs...? None, changin' lightbulbs is "women's work".

How many full professors? One - he/she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him/her.

and my personal fav...

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One but the lightbulb has to REALLY WANT to change.

Roger on the SeaDNA
 
Carl writes for the Miami Herald.
You can read his columns at
Drudge report. Scroll down the list of
writers in the middle of the page.
Leonard use to write westerns and
than switched to a new genre(?)
Get Shorty
Rum Punch
Cuba Libre
Glitz
Maximum Bob
Pagan Babies
Last stand at Sabre River
and lots more!
His stuff reads easy and moves fast. good
character development, he likes the seedy side
of life :)

I could have the wrong guy?
 
A guy takes a day off to get a few things done.
It's a beautiful day sunny, nice breeze, so he
washes the car buys himself a new pair of shoes,
and gets his hair cut. Its such a pretty day he decides
to stop at the bar on his way home.
The fellow walks into the bar and sets on a stool.
He is the only one there and the bartender gets him
a drink. The bartender goes in the back to do some chores
and leaves the young man alone.

He is sitting drinking his beer and eating the peanuts on the
bar, when he hears a voice say, hey! thats a good looking
car is it yours? Without thinking the man says yeah I just washed it,
thank you. When the man looks around no one
is there, and this leaves him very confused. A couple of
minutes later the voice says hey! thats a good looking haircut
and those shoes look new, I really like them. The young
man is really confused now, and all he can say is thank you.

He ponders this for awhile, and when the bartender
comes back and ask if he would like another beer,
the man ask the bartender, do you have a little speaker
under the bar? The bartender just stares at him, and
doesn't say anything. Come on the man says, you pull
this on all the new customers I bet. Pull what , the bartender
ask? You know the man says, that little bit about nice
car, nice hair cut, nice shoes. Oh that, the bartender replies,
that wasn't me that was the nuts, their complimentary. :D
 
The old bell ringer at the little cathedral in an un-named European town finally passed away. The people missed the bells and encouraged the Priest to find a new bell-ringer.

The Priest advertised for a new person to ring the bells and only one applied. He was a hunchback but evidently knew bells because during his audition, impressed the townsfolk. He had no arms however and, to ring the bells, leaned forward and struck the bells with his forehead. Nevertheless, the tone was wonderful and he was hired. During his first day on the job, he was up ringing the bells and, unfortunately slipped on the narrow walkway and fell to his death over 100 feet below.

Because the townsfolk had gathered to listen to the bells, they rushed to the body just as the Priest reached it. "What a tragedy, Father, they said". "What was his name?" "I never knew his name" the Priest replied, "but his face rings a bell".
..
..
..
..
<Wait, there's more!!>

The townsfolk wanted the bells to continue so they encouraged the Priest to find a replacement. The Priest searched high and low and after many auditions, found one. It turns out he was an identical twin to the dead bell-ringer except that he had arms! During the audition, the new bell-ringer removed a little silver mallet from a velvet case and struck the bells with it, in a very gentle way. He was even better than his now-deceased brother!

He was hired on the spot.

The next week, during one of his first bell-ringing efforts, he was midway in the morning concert when he, too, made a fatal misstep and also fell to his death on the cobblestones below.

When, as before, the townsfolk and the Priest gathered around, the inevitible question came again, "Who was he Father??".

The Priest replied " <are you ready?>
.
.
.<Wait for it>.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
<Here it comes at last>
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"I never knew his name either but he's a Dead Ringer for his Brother......."


------------------------------------------

That's all folks.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

I promise to quit now........
 
Thanks but I'll take responsibility. I started it all. I think I'm sorry but if folks got a laugh, it's worth it... :)

Did you hear the one about the guy that got a new C-Dory and then met a Priest in a bar? Neither did I.....

That's all folks....... :smile
 
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