Daily Laugh 2

TOO FUNNY TO CENSURE!

The Nun and Priest Are Camel-less

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.

They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.

They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally, the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.

As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.

Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
 
A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job."You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. "That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked,
"So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said,
"Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
 
A Reporter Heads Deep Into the Jungle

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rain forest in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe.

He wanders through the thick jungle for days upon days, and it seems like his journey's going to amount to nothing.

As he ventures deeper into it, his attention is drawn to something hanging overhead in the canopy and decides to take a closer look.

Suddenly, he falls into a trap, is knocked unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!
 
I met a magic fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said .

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress is filled
with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in
the people's best interests!"

"You crafty bastard," replied the fairy.
 
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Retire to the South

Georgia


The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of
Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings. "

Louisiana


A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..."
When asked why, he replied, "I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens
in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y’all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned
around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man
replied, "I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don’t you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says:
‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’"

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North, have ya?

(No offense inended)
 
I am from south Louisiana, and I can tell you the above statement is true. And, yes, the roads are as bad as everyone says.
Click to expand...

I'm on Anderson Island, coming from Tennessee by way of Alabama...yes, these are right on, and I'm right proud of it if I do say so myself.

There was also no mention of lovely 'Bama, and I have to say I am proud of my heritage, particularly the math skills I learnt there.

Did I tell you I won $4 million dollars in the Alabama State Lottery? I'll collect $4 per year for the next million years...its so nice to be rich! ; >)
 
A Chinese Doctor With a Novel Business Model

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside.

It reads: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'

Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'

Lawyer: 'Ugh, this is kerosene!'

Doctor: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'

Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'

Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'

Doctor: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'

The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'

Doctor: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'

Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'

Doctor: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.'
 
God, Adam, Eve, a Dog and a Cat

Adam and Eve said, "Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me."

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.......
 
I suspect this may be more of a 'wind shadow effect' with the kids protected by the shadow of a building? I watched it live and noticed the kids started to lean into the wind as they moved towards the street.

My favorite is a female reporter rowing a canoe on a 'flooded' street and two kids walk by in ankle deep water
 
A Blonde Takes Up Porch-Painting

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.

At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

"$50" she replies.

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.

The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.

"She should. She was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You've finished already?" the man asked.

"Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats."

Impressed the man reaches for the money.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch. It's a Lexus."
 
Are you A Pilot?

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans...
flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.
I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds,so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: " A re you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian .'
 
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