Daily Laugh 2

Today kids are so smart!

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.


'Mommy, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. ‘ Why?'



'Because you got an F in sex.'
 
A bar has a sign that says “We don’t serve strings.”

So the string messes himself up and goes in for a beer.

The bartender asks him if he is a string.

The string replies:

No I’m a frayed knot.
 
When Hitler did not wear boots,
do you know how he tied his shoes?

Nine.

In little knotsies.

Aye.
Grandpa used to say, "Always prepare for the unexpected."
 
A man walking down the beach on the west coast found a genie’s lamp. When he rubbed it the genie came out and said he’d give him one wish. He said he wanted a bridge from there to Hawaii so he could drive out there anytime. The genie said do you know what that would take. All the concrete and steel and labor. Pick another wish. The man thought for a min and said ok I want to understand all there is know about a woman. The genie said now how many lanes do you want that bridge?
 
A man walks into a bar.

The bartender notices the man is normal looking, everywhere, except for a small
head. The bartender decides to ask him about it, after a few drinks. He does so.

The man explains being marooned a very long time on a tropical island. One day
on a beach he finds a bottle, picks it up, rubs off the sand whereupon a beautiful
voluptuous genie appears and tells the man, "Master, I will give you two wishes".

The man, not having human contact for a very long time, says, "I want to jump
your bones".

The genie immediately says, "No, that will not happen. You have one wish left.
Choose carefully Master."

The man, persists, saying, "Well, OK then, how about a little head?"

Aye.
 
So we're into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19.

1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.
3. When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats.
5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?
6. People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent.
7. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
8. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
9. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
10. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
11. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.
12. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?
13. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.
14. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
 
I was sitting on a park bench feeding birds popcorn for some time when a young
man sat down on the bench near me. He was dressed in leather with pins and
rings here and there and a remarkable hair style - spiked and colored red, yellow,
purple, green, blue. I could not keep from staring at him.

He noticed my constant gaze and said, "Hey old man, what are you staring at?"

I replied, "I'm mesmerized by, especially, your hair colors."

He then said, "It looks to me like you don't approve. Haven't you ever done
anything unconventional, wild, on the edge or crazy?"

I thought for a few moments and then replied, " Yes I have. Once I got very drunk
and had sex with a parrot. I was staring at you because I thought you might be
my son."

Aye.
 
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few pieces left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
 
A psychologist with his old college roommate, now an engineer, were reminiscing
while riding in an air balloon near the mountains. Their balloon was blown
off course getting too close to the mountains causing concern and disorientation.

As their air ship got close enough to see two hikers walking on a trail, the
engineer yelled down to them, "Where are we?".

The two hikers looked up then huddled apparently discussing their reply.

As the balloon slowly drifted away with the occupants waiting for their answer,
they finally heard the hikers yell, "You are in a balloon."

"Damn", said the psychologist. "Just our luck to run into a couple mathematicians."

"How do you know they are mathematicians?" asked the engineer.

The psychologist then replied, "Well, first they took forever to come up with an
answer. Second, what they said was exactly correct. And third, their answer was
of no practical value whatsoever."

Aye.
 
A man entered a plane for a long commercial flight. His assigned seat happened
to be next to a particularly attractive woman which pleased him greatly. After an
hour or so, he noticed the book she was reading, "A Woman's Guide to the Best
Lovers". After gathering his nerve, he decided to ask her about the book.

"Excuse me Miss. I can't help but notice the book you are reading. Do you find it
interesting?" he said.

"Oh, yes". She replied, "Especially the part saying studies show Native Americans
are the best endowed and the Greeks have the greatest stamina for love making.
And, by the way, my name is Betsy Smith. What's your name?"

The man swallowed hard and thought for a moment, then replied "Pleased to meet
you, Betsy. My name is Running Horse Papadopoulos".

Aye.
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into.
He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." he says
"He got in the back-seat by mistake."


Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards..
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .....
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.... His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he just stared and stared at him.
Finally, he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair...
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex...'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'


SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

Harvey
SleepyC :moon

IMGP3306.thumb.jpg
 
the spousal unit mentioned the other day that our insurance covers hearing aids. That kind of pi&& me off, there ain't a damn thing wrong with my hearing. Another thing that has me torqued off is the politicians making a big deal about this boat by mail B.S. I think anybody with half a damn brain knows you can't boat by mail, what the hell fun would that be, you could forget about fishing. I have heard of people trolling on the internet though, maybe they're after those wormy bullheads.

I thought I'd do some sterilizing around the house and read that alcohol was a good tool for the job. That didn't work worth a damn, let me tell ya, after finishing the first bottle I couldn't do much of anything.

I found an easy way to keep from touching my face so much, just keep a beer in each hand
 
What did you notice as you grew older?

Buck’s Dirty Dozen

1-you shrink

2-your nose gets bigger

3-your ears get bigger

4-your back and knees hurt

5-tough to take a leak

6-teeth get yellow

7-you need reading glasses

8-you grow cataracts

9-you need a stool softener

10-flatulence

11-half-way up steps.. you don’t remember if you were going up or down

12-time goes faster. the closer to the end, the faster it goes
 
If you're lucky, these will happen to you, eventually.

Foggy’s Half Dozen:

1. Hair grows out of your ears .

2. Hair grows out of your nose.

3. Your gums bleed.

4. Your privates don’t work as they did.

5. You can’t remember things, worse.

6. It hurts more to do things.

7. Hair grows out of your nose.

Aye.
 
Two old guys sitting at the bar, one looked down the bar & turned to his friend & said” look down there, in 10 years that will be us”, his friend looked past him & replied..” that’s a mirror”!!
 
In truth, part of my history was working as an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician).
As a newbie, a seasoned mentor advised me never accept anything to eat from a
friendly elderly resident at the local Nursing Home where we got frequent calls.

It sounded reasonable but I couldn't help asking "Why"?

He recounted his early experience there explaining an especially grateful elderly
patron offered him a dish of peanuts which he took and said, crunching on them,
"Thank you those are really delicious".

"I think so too" said the Nursing Home resident. "But before I put them in the dish,
I suck all the chocolate off."

Aye.
 
Joining the Police Force

Three Atlantic Canada boys were all applying for the last available position on the St. John's Police Force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, eh?"

The three all nodded that they indeed wanted to be cops.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the boy from PEI and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The Spud Islander immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The Islander hung his head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second boy from Nova Scotia, stuck the photo in his face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other guy?

This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The Bluenoser sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the last boy, a hometown Newfie boy -with a long family history in Newfoundland and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in his face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The Newfie said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the Newfie with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The Newfie rolled his eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, ... he certainly can't wear glasses."

Harvey
SleepyC :moon

1_10_2012_from_Canon_961.thumb.jpg
 
Several guys had been drinking in a bar for a few hours. One got bored and
mumbled a few words to the others. Then a bunch of money was placed on
the table.

He went over to the bar tender and said, “Hey Roger. Wanna bet I can do some
incredible things?”

Roger, having seen the guy before never doing much unusual said, “Sure”.

“I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my own eye”, the guys says. Roger accepts the bet.
The guy pops his left false eye into his mouth and says “Pay up.”
Roger pays him $5.

“Now I’ll bet you $10 I can bite my own ear” which he does to Roger’s dismay
by dislodging an artificial ear. Roger pays up $10.

Feeling confident, the guy says to Roger, “Before my finale, to give you a chance
to win your money back, I bet you $20 I can bite my nose”. Roger wants his
money back and tweeks the guys real nose before saying, “OK, you’re on for $20.”

Whereupon the guy flips out his false teeth and, yup, bites his nose and get’s $20
for it.

“My finale is impossible and you’re surely going to win back all your money” the
guy says to Roger. “If you put a shot glass on one end of your bar, I’ll stand on
the other end and pee into the shot glass without spilling one drop, for $100.”
Roger thinks this really is impossible, deliberates and says “For $100, I accept.”

The shot glass is placed on one end of the bar and the guy stands on the other.
He proceeds to pee all over everything missing the shot glass completely. Roger
winning back his money, plus some, says to the guy “Hey you idiot, you just lost
$65, made a mess, so after you clean it up, explain why you would do such a
dumb thing.” The mess is wiped up and the guy smiles at Roger saying,
“I just bet my buddies over there $200, you’d let me pee all over your bar.”

Aye.
 
Back
Top