Daily Laugh

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An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.



One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.





After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'

The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'



'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'



For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.


Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'


Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.



You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.


SO, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!


And send this to any or all of your Cracked Pot friends

Don't forget the Cracked Pot that sent it to you!!
 
From my buddy in Alaska...


HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY


Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had

made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was

shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was

upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no

comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested

that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,

but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he

said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was

upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do

with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't

know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as

if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat

there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem

distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I

decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to

bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts

were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts

are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:


Boat wouldn't start; can't figure out why.
 
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Jersey Journal, a local newspaper in Jersey City, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard, Vinny 'The Salami' Manziano, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Vinny has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, New Jersey had already gone wireless."

Just makes me proud to be from New Jersey! You too, right?!
 
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
 
I LOVE MY JOB !!!

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not
so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit..

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my a** was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my a**.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days because my a** was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your a**.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
 
Continuing our relentless pursuit of a laugh a day:


An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?' The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down…………… And you know men won't ask for directions.........’
 
An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back
and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You
already know how to fish!"
 
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time
of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I
landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the
hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of
rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to
shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly oven hemp rope, the man can
only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a
razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she
greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each
strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then
beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's
something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly
as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"
 
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?

You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"



I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not
getting any easier.
 
Its the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
 
Subject: HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

>
> HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
>
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
> All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits,
> short sets. Really, really exciting.
> Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.
> It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
>
> Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the
> Captain today -- seems like a very nice man ....
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
>
> At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
> Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored
> and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
>
>
> Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with
> him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
> champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I
> could not be unfaithful to my husband.
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
>
> Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at
> piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me
> several large drinks.
> Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
> night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his
> way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
>
> Today I saved 1600 lives.
>
>
> Twice.
>
>
 
Easy one-liners (sort-of):



DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
from a Guys point of view...


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
___________________________________________

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.’
___________________________________________

Two = Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: “Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.’
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.

‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.

‘Oops!’
_________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

‘Well, she’s there.’
 
Safe to swim here?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
 
An old country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..


1. A Bible.....?


2. A silver dollar.....?


3. A bottle of whisky......?


4. And a Playboy magazine.....?


'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a

blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.


And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.


The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.


'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
 
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the North Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S.government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Joe. :teeth :thup
 
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

10: I've run away to join a different circus.
 
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