Daily Laugh

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The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger
who was new to our area. From the beginning, Dad
was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and
soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger
was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family.
In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents
were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good
from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...
He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for
hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or
science, he always knew the answers about the past,
understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future! He took my family to the first major league ball
game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The
stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of
us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to
say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,
but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home -
not from us, our friends or any visitors. After our long
time visitor stayed longer he became more daring however,
and even got away with four-letter words that burned my
ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the
stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.
He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes
distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about
sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes
suggestive, and generally embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships
were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time,
he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom
rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger
moved in with our family. He has blended right in and
is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if
you could walk into my parents' den today, you would
still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone
to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?....
We just call him 'TV.'
Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod "
 
Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian is a phrase or sentence that leads us down the garden path to an unexpected ending. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian -- Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives
 
From Brent:

mother of all ethnic jokes.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance, "you can't come in here without a Thai."
_________________
Brent Barrett
 
Dear Optimist and Pessimist,

While you were busy arguing about the glass of water … I drank it.

Sincerely,

The Opportunist
 
Timely Churchill Quote


After his retirement Winston Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” - said Churchill.

“First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in case of an emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first."
 
You think English is easy?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
 
You Probably knew these were coming....


# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?

- On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? -

Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? -

Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he

knew where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.

That's more than can be said for his ship.

# The captain says he is not guilty of manslaughter. He has

witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken

cruise liner Costa Concordia?

Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.
 
A group of archaeologists were exploring when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman."
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?'

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'





'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'



"You dumber than buffalo crap. It means someone
stole the tent."
 
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken farmer it is."
 
An elderly couple had dinner at a friend's house., After eating, the wives went into the kitchen. The two guys were talking, and one said, "Last night we went to a new restaurant, it was really great. I recommend it highly." The other man said, "What's it's name?" The first man knits his brow in concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love? "A Carnation??" "No. No. The other one". "The Poppy?" "Nahhhh, growls the man. The one that is red and has thorns." His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
 
Folks, this came to me from a friend!!

The Secret Service scandal resulted from a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services. She wanted $800.00 and the Secret Service Agent offered her $30.00.

How ironic it is that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?
 
SittingInABar.jpg
 
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