Winter PUNs - Cabin fever setting in?

4 little ANIMALS

(You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!)

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want
Out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals
would that be?" The little girl said, "A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed and a Jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted
 
Guy walks into a bar and discovers that the bartender has made a bet with
any customer that if they get the right answer, then he'll buy them a free
beer.

Bartender says to the first customer: 6
Customer answers: 3
Customer gets a free beer

Bartender says to the second customer: 12 Customer answers: 6 Customer gets
a free beer

Bartender says to the third customer: 14 Customer answers: 8 Customer gets a
free beer

Bartender says to you: 22
What do you say to get the free beer?
 
After a long break a German Shepherd bumps into his his Poodle buddy in the park and asks how its going. "Terrible, just terrible. My bitch girlfriend ran off with the Boxer next door, my master has a drinking problem and beats me, and I can't sleep". The Shepherd volunteers, "Hey, that's terrible. Have you considered seeing a Psychiatrist?" .
Poodle replies seriously, "I've considered it, but I'm not allowed on the couch..."
 
Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
 
A sailor and a pirate are sitting at the bar, the pirate has a hook, a patch over his eye and a peg leg. The sailor asks how he lost his leg, the "pirate replies that he fell overboard and before he could get back aboard a shark got his leg.

Ouch, the sailor said, then asked about the hook. Pirate says as he was boarding a ship they had attacked, a sailor cut his hand off with a cutlass. The sailor swears in sympathy and then asks about the eye.

The pirate tells him that he lost the eye when a seagull's aim was spot on. The sailor looked at him sideways and said with some doubt "You lost your eye to seagull crap?" The pirate replied that it was his first day with the hook.
 
Louisiana Medical Terms:


Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan................Searching for the cat.


Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.
Colic...............A sheep dog.
Coma...............A punctuation mark.
D&C................Where Washington is.
Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.


Enema.............Not a friend.
Fester............Quicker than someone else.
Fibula............A small lie.
G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.


Impotent...........Distinguished, well known.


Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.



Node....................I knew it.
Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.......Hiding something
Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.
Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.



Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor...............More than one.
Urine...............Opposite of mine.
Varicose............Near by
Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed
warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
 
You know, I guess it's only fitting that I ended up in the diesel/heavy equipment career field. It was my grandpa's diesel fitter skills that provided the key to his entry to this country.
As the story goes, he, and his brothers (Arn & Lars) where queried upon applying for emigration of their skills. Arn stated that he worked in the ladies underwear factory sewing in waistbands and was told that his skills weren't needed in the new world. Lars noted that he too worked in the ladies underwear factory cutting out fabric, he, also was denied entry. When grandpa told them he was a diesel fitter he was welcomed to the new world as he had skills that where in demand.
Arn & Lars got mighty upset that they where denied entry into the States while grandpa was welcomed in. They busted their humps to make sure the underwear was assembled correctly while gramps worked in the same factory but all he did was hold up the finished product and proclaim "diesel fitter" before packing them in the box
 
The pirate one reminded me of...

The home for the disabled is having a dance. Bill, who's missing one eye is attending with his friend Jim, a parapalegic. They both notice a woman across the way who is a bit of a wallflower.

Jim says "Hey Bill - why don't you go ask that woman over there to dance? She's looking at you and swaying a bit, looks like she really wants to dance."

Bill - "Jim, you know I recently lost my eye. My depth perception isn't so good right now and I'm afraid I'd just embarrass myself".

Jim -"Don't worry Bill, she's missing one leg and probably has a few problems dancing herself. Just go, you should both have fun!"

So, Bill works up the courage, wanders across the floor and says "Would you like to dance?"

"Would I, Would I!" replies the woman excitedly.

"Peg leg, peg leg!" Bill snaps back! :lol:
 
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I
told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
 
THE BLIND CASHIER

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.

A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,"
Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's
on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it." As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it
up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but
then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who
did it.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says," That'll be $36.18 with tax,
please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $36.18?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Stink Bait is $2.50."
 
THE BIRTHDAY DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
 
Jay Leno on Columbus....

Columbus did not set out to discover America. He was looking for a quicker route to India. Do you know why he was trying to get to India? He was trying to get the King of Spain’s computer fixed.

Most medical historians now believe that it is Christopher Columbus who brought sexually transmitted diseases to the new world. On the other hand, the Indians gave him tobacco so it’s pretty much a wash.
 
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )


12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.


13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
 
A little old lady is walking down the street near FedEx Field (Redskins
Stadium), dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a
while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there
are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the
warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back
yard backs up to the parking lot of the Redskins
stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come
and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little
thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good
luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay
up".... :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :smileo :smilep :embarrased

Better make it clear that comes from Charlie, not Sally.... :lol:
 
Now this is an old topic but this one made me think of Dusty!! :oops:

An elderly man in Washington State :D had owned
a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there in quite a while and he picked up a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. :embarrased

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim

naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up
he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
:shock: :lol: :lol:
 
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