Daily Laugh 2
- Thread starter Captains Cat
- Start date
A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"
The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed: " You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your lap."
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"
The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed: " You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your lap."
Most of our generation 50+ was HOME SCHOOLED in so many ways.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me
HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
This was only sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me
HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
This was only sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents
MY NEXT LIFE
My next life I want to live backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people's home
feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy,
go collect your pension, and then when
you start to work, you get a gold watch
and party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young
enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol and are generally
promiscuous, then you are ready for high
school.
You go to primary school, become a kid
and you play. You have no responsibilities,
you become a baby until you are born. And
then you spend your last 9 months floating
in luxurious spa like condition with central
heating and room service on tap, larger quarters
every day, and then, Voila! You finish off as an
orgasm!
I rest my case.
Aye
My next life I want to live backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people's home
feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy,
go collect your pension, and then when
you start to work, you get a gold watch
and party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young
enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol and are generally
promiscuous, then you are ready for high
school.
You go to primary school, become a kid
and you play. You have no responsibilities,
you become a baby until you are born. And
then you spend your last 9 months floating
in luxurious spa like condition with central
heating and room service on tap, larger quarters
every day, and then, Voila! You finish off as an
orgasm!
I rest my case.
Aye
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
A cowboy was pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, driving, and in general was throwing his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y 'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you calling me a horse's butt?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's butt." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best western drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
I was listening to the Prairie Home Companion annual joke show today, and one seemed to resonate with me.
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four.
One to screw it in, and three to complain about it being electric! :roll:
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four.
One to screw it in, and three to complain about it being electric! :roll:
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
Yesterday I was at my local Safeway buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when the woman behind me asked me what kind of a dog I owned?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Safeway won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends... it will be their laugh for the day!
Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Safeway won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends... it will be their laugh for the day!
Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
srbaum
Member
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip in the Keys in Florida
for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to Islamorada only to find Jack sitting at
the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses
into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked,
'Guess who?'
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up
and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So--- Here I am!
for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to Islamorada only to find Jack sitting at
the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses
into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked,
'Guess who?'
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up
and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So--- Here I am!
Subject: Flight Line Service Monkey
A man was in a pet shop in Fort Worth looking at animals when a flight line supervisor from the local aircraft company entered and told the shopkeeper,
I want a Flight Line Service monkey, please.”...
The clerk nodded, went back to a cage and returned with a monkey. “That'll be $1,000, Sir.” The supervisor paid and left.
Surprised, the other customer said to the shopkeeper, “That was a lot of money. Why was that monkey so expensive?”
The shopkeeper answered, “Because a Flight Line Service monkey can park, fuel, and service aircraft, conduct required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and is trained in in all flight line ops. He’s worth it.”
Now really interested, the man spotted another monkey with a $10,000 price tag. “What? A ten grand monkey? What can it do?”
“That’s a Maintenance Supervisor monkey. It teaches aircraft maintenance, supervises corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervises crews of maintainers, and does all the paperwork. A very useful monkey, indeed!”
Then the man found a third monkey with a price tag of $50,000.
“Holy cow! What’s a fifty grand monkey do?”
The shopkeeper sighed. “I've never seen him do anything but drink beer and play with himself, but his papers say he’s a Pilot.
A man was in a pet shop in Fort Worth looking at animals when a flight line supervisor from the local aircraft company entered and told the shopkeeper,
I want a Flight Line Service monkey, please.”...
The clerk nodded, went back to a cage and returned with a monkey. “That'll be $1,000, Sir.” The supervisor paid and left.
Surprised, the other customer said to the shopkeeper, “That was a lot of money. Why was that monkey so expensive?”
The shopkeeper answered, “Because a Flight Line Service monkey can park, fuel, and service aircraft, conduct required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and is trained in in all flight line ops. He’s worth it.”
Now really interested, the man spotted another monkey with a $10,000 price tag. “What? A ten grand monkey? What can it do?”
“That’s a Maintenance Supervisor monkey. It teaches aircraft maintenance, supervises corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervises crews of maintainers, and does all the paperwork. A very useful monkey, indeed!”
Then the man found a third monkey with a price tag of $50,000.
“Holy cow! What’s a fifty grand monkey do?”
The shopkeeper sighed. “I've never seen him do anything but drink beer and play with himself, but his papers say he’s a Pilot.
Pacificcoast101
Member
Only weeks after leaving office on Jan. 20, 2017, former President Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it.
Troy drives to Obama’s new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year.
Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the problem and tells Obama that it’s an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his rate chart and says, “$9,500.”
“What?! $9,500?!” Obama asks, stunned, “But you said it’s an easy repair. Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!”
Troy says, “Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It’s known as the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014′. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it.”
In spite of that, Obama tells Troy there’s no way he’s paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy’s price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink.
Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there’s a risk the room will flood, so Obama calls Troy and pleads with him to return.
Troy goes back to Obama’s house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, “Let’s see, this will now cost you $21,000.”
Obama quickly fires back, “What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!”
Troy explains, “Well, because of the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There’s a long waiting list of those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn’t cover our costs, especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they’re not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can’t make any money at it. I’m hurting too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won’t pay their ‘fair share’. On the other hand, why didn’t you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ all this would have been covered by your policy.”
“You mean I wouldn’t have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?” asks Obama.
“Well, not exactly,” replies Troy. “You would have had to buy the insurance before the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you’re rich, you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have given you a ‘silver’ plan, and then, since this would have been your first repair, you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there’s the mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free.”
“WHAT?!” exclaims Obama. “Why so much for a puny sink leak?!”
With a bland look, Troy replies, “Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself. You don’t think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you? Besides, there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the ‘middle class’, who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That’s why they call it the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’! Only people who don’t make much money can afford it. If you want affordable plumbing, you’ll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle’s income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to get your ‘Fair Share’ instead of giving it.”
“But who would pass a crazy act like the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’?!” exclaims the exasperated Obama.
After a sigh, Troy replies, “Congress… because they didn’t read it.”’
Troy drives to Obama’s new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year.
Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the problem and tells Obama that it’s an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his rate chart and says, “$9,500.”
“What?! $9,500?!” Obama asks, stunned, “But you said it’s an easy repair. Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!”
Troy says, “Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It’s known as the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014′. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it.”
In spite of that, Obama tells Troy there’s no way he’s paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy’s price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink.
Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there’s a risk the room will flood, so Obama calls Troy and pleads with him to return.
Troy goes back to Obama’s house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, “Let’s see, this will now cost you $21,000.”
Obama quickly fires back, “What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!”
Troy explains, “Well, because of the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There’s a long waiting list of those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn’t cover our costs, especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they’re not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can’t make any money at it. I’m hurting too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won’t pay their ‘fair share’. On the other hand, why didn’t you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ all this would have been covered by your policy.”
“You mean I wouldn’t have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?” asks Obama.
“Well, not exactly,” replies Troy. “You would have had to buy the insurance before the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you’re rich, you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have given you a ‘silver’ plan, and then, since this would have been your first repair, you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there’s the mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free.”
“WHAT?!” exclaims Obama. “Why so much for a puny sink leak?!”
With a bland look, Troy replies, “Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself. You don’t think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you? Besides, there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the ‘middle class’, who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That’s why they call it the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’! Only people who don’t make much money can afford it. If you want affordable plumbing, you’ll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle’s income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to get your ‘Fair Share’ instead of giving it.”
“But who would pass a crazy act like the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’?!” exclaims the exasperated Obama.
After a sigh, Troy replies, “Congress… because they didn’t read it.”’
Political Commentary 101:
*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.*~Jay Leno~
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.*~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.*~Aesop~
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches,
there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.*~Will Rogers~
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.*~Clarence Darrow~
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.*~John Quinton~
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.*~Oscar Ameringer~
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. Doug Larson~
*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.*~Will Rogers~
BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman: If you want a real friend that you can trust in Washington – get a dog.
*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.*~Jay Leno~
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.*~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.*~Aesop~
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches,
there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.*~Will Rogers~
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.*~Clarence Darrow~
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.*~John Quinton~
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.*~Oscar Ameringer~
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. Doug Larson~
*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.*~Will Rogers~
BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman: If you want a real friend that you can trust in Washington – get a dog.
Perhaps True
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
*********************************************************************
New SIM to Surprise Her Husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.
*********************************************************************
Cool Message by a Wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement."
*********************************************************************
Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."
********************************************************************
Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr : Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
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Natural Disasters Just Happen
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.
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Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
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An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
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New SIM to Surprise Her Husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.
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Cool Message by a Wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement."
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Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."
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Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr : Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
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Natural Disasters Just Happen
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.
*********************************************************************
Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
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Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
A man in a bar finds himself attracted to a woman sitting at the bar. He is very shy but would reallt like to talk to her.
His friend says to him,"It is easy. Just go over and say your favorite pick up line."
The shy man decided to try it and goes over to the woman and says,"Ford, F series"
His friend says to him,"It is easy. Just go over and say your favorite pick up line."
The shy man decided to try it and goes over to the woman and says,"Ford, F series"
OH MY, And Yes I Am A Blonde
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"
and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.
"How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything
she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she not realize that our porch goes all the way round the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right.? I guess I'm starting to believe
all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's
an Audi".
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"
and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.
"How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything
she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she not realize that our porch goes all the way round the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right.? I guess I'm starting to believe
all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's
an Audi".