Daily Laugh 2

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery,
When it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying and that the dog walking
Beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone
Wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch That glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent Gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and The street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got Closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out,
“Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered.

”Wow! Would you happen to have some water?”
The man asked.

”Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have
Some ice water brought right up.”
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
“Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog,
“come in, too?” the traveller asked.

”I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.”

The man thought a moment and then turned
Back toward the road and continued the way
He had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another
Long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a Farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.

There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
Leaning against a tree and reading a book.

”Excuse me!” he called to the man.
“Do you have any water?”

”Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there,
Come on in.”

”How about my friend here?” the traveler
Gestured to the dog.

”There should be a bowl by the pump,” said the man.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there Was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long
Drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back
Toward the man who was standing by the tree.

”What do you call this place?” the traveler asked.

“This is Heaven,” he answered.

”Well, that's confusing,” the traveler said.

”The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'”

”Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly Gates? Nope. That's Hell.”

”Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

”No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would Leave their best friends behind.”
 
Subject: BEER & COLONOSCOPY....


It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a
colonoscopy.
I went into his office for my first rectal
exam.
His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an
examining room.

She told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he
would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I
sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three
items on a stand next to the exam table:

* A Tube of K-Y jelly,
* A rubber glove
* And a beer

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said,
"Look Doc", I'm a little confused
This is my first exam.

I know what the K-Y is for,
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably
outraged and stormed over to the door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his new
blonde nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"
 
As we all should know, there is always more than one way to tell a story.

Interested in family history, I putter around with genealogy research. I discovered a story about a relative we'll call "Ole Bill." "Ole Bill", was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of "Ole Bill" shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1883, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. He was caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

I shared this information with my family and I later discovered this on one of my older brother's facebook page.

"'Ole Bill' was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, 'Ole Bill' passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
 
The Dead Horse Theory - Politics 101

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that:



"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."



However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:



1. Buying a stronger whip.



2. Changing riders.



3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.



4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.



5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.



6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.



7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.



8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.



9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.



10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.



11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more

to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.



12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.



And, of course...



13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
 
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
 
A Rabbi in the Confessional Booth

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.


The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."


A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
 
A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. The man turned to him and said,"Let's Talk."

Kid: Ok,what do we talk about?

Man(Making fun of the kid): How about nuclear power?

Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me first ask you a question... Horse Cow & Deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excrete pellets, cows flat potty & horses clumps. Why?

Man: I don't know.

Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues?
 
The young man came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
 
Joke: The Farmer and His Guests


Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."


His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"


Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood...

The pig and the cow.
 
apologies if this has been posted before.


OPERATIONAL EXCELLENCE?

Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have competitive boat race on a river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.
The Japanese won by a mile! Afterwards the American Team became very discouraged by the losses and morale began to sag. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A The "Continuous Improvement Team" was established to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
THEIR CONCLUSION: The problem was that the Japanese Team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American Team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again, the American Team's management structure was totally reorganized to three Steering Director, three Steering Managers, and two Steering Supervisors. Also a new performance system for the person rowing the boat was developed to give more incentive to work harder.
"We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it."
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower to "cut costs, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a "Superior Performance" award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
 
AstoriaDave":3c91fpyy said:
That one is so good it hurts, Grumpy!

Amen!

And now for an update: (True, not a joke!)

Congress is working on legislation that will force all large companies and corporations to publish the ratios between their top executives compensation and their average worker's pay, which is estimated to be about three hundred to one, presently. :sad

That should make everything better, very quickly! :wink

Joe. :teeth :thup
 
Speaking of lawyers:
Laboratories are now using lawyers instead of lab rats to conduct medical experiments. Three reasons why:

1. There are more of them.
2. You can get a lawyer to do things that a rat won't do.
3. The lab technicians don't get emotionally attached.
 
OH dear!!





Bob walked into a sports bar around 9pm

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar

And stared up at the TV.



The 10pm news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story

Of a man on the ledge of a large building

Preparing to jump.



The blonde looked at Bob and said,

"Do you think he'll jump?"



Bob said,

"You know, I bet he'll jump."



The blonde replied,

"Well, I bet he won't."



Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,

"You're on!"



Just as the blonde place her money on

the bar,

The guy on the ledge

Did a swan dive off the building,

Falling to his death.



The blonde was very upset,

But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."



Bob replied,

"I can't take your money.

I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,

So I knew he would jump."



The blonde replied,

"I did, too,

But I didn't think he'd do it again."



Bob took the money.
 
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AstoriaDave":3c6hoiim said:
That was super, Joe! Reminded me of some of Rod Serling's TV shows, in the day.

Yup, from 1959-1964 (~My college years)!

Are we THAT old???

" There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone."
— Rod Serling

TheTwilightZoneLogo.png
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