Daily Laugh 2

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a Bottle of Wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip had been a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail; until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine ... I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,


she said:


'Good trade.'
 
Dr. Bob - you telling jokes? What's next - Tom giving a lecture on the importance of political correctness?? :twisted:

Speaking of wine...

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband; she says, “I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you.”

Her husband asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

She replies, “It's me...talking to the wine.”
 
JamesTXSD":11f17tnh said:
Dr. Bob - you telling jokes? What's next - Tom giving a lecture on the importance of political correctness?? :twisted:
.”
Click to expand...

Come one now Jim, us elderly guys have a sense of humor--and I throw out a joke every now and then---problem is that most of the jokes I get are not fit for a "family oriented" publication...by my standards...(Victorian no less) or are politically motivated..

The other issue is my ability to use social media:

To others of my generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why

Facebook even exists, you may try the following, like I'm doing.

Here's what I'm doing to gain better understanding:

I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook, but while applying the same principles.

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment,
what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dead dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage,
or fixing things, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch,
and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, then give them the "THUMBS UP" and tell them I like them.

And it works!

I already have four people following me:

Two police officers,

a private investigator,

and a psychiatrist.
 
Since Dr. Bob was also recently the author of a "Blonde Jokes" thread, I'll post this one I got from Brent Barrett in that same vein for Bob's enjoyment as well as everyone else in the C-Brat Community:


All Girl Biker Bar ..................

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels ..
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No .... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says:

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and a retired English teacher of the classics.

The husband a retired Navy Chief was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "On the toilet. Please advise."
 
THE BLACK BRA (AS TOLD BY A WOMAN)

I HAD LUNCH WITH 2 OF MY UNMARRIED FRIENDS. ONE IS ENGAGED, ONE IS A
MISTRESS, AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 20+ YEARS.

WE WERE CHATTING ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIPS AND DECIDED TO AMAZE OUR MEN BY GREETING THEM AT THE DOOR WEARING A BLACK BRA,
STILETTO HEELS AND A MASK OVER OUR EYES. WE AGREED TO MEET IN A FEW DAYS TO EXCHANGE NOTES..

HERE'S HOW IT ALL WENT.

MY ENGAGED FRIEND:
THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN MY BOYFRIEND CAME OVER HE FOUND ME WITH A BLACK LEATHER BODICE, TALL STILETTOS AND A MASK.
HE SAW ME AND SAID, 'YOU ARE THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS, I LOVE YOU.' THEN WE MADE PASSIONATE LOVE ALL NIGHT LONG.

THE MISTRESS:
THE OTHER NIGHT I MET MY LOVER AT HIS OFFICE AND I WAS WEARING A
RAINCOAT, UNDER IT ONLY THE BLACK BRA, HEELS AND MASK OVER MY EYES.
WHEN I OPENED THE RAINCOAT HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD, BUT HE STARTED TO
TREMBLE AND WE HAD WILD SEX ALL NIGHT.

THEN I HAD TO SHARE MY STORY:
WHEN MY HUSBAND CAME HOME I WAS WEARING THE BLACK BRA, BLACK STOCKINGS, STILETTOS AND A MASK OVER MY EYES.
WHEN HE CAME IN THE DOOR AND SAW ME, HE SAID, "WHAT'S FOR DINNER, ZORRO?"
 
The article below was borrowed from the "Scuttlebutt" sailing newsletter and appeared originally as stated below. Enjoy. Joe.

My Best Girlfriend Ever

Published on May 16th, 2018

Since boats are commonly refer to as the female gender, Dave Nestel takes it one step further in this editorial shared in the April 2018 SpinSheet magazine.

Dave Nestel:

I was talking with a new non-boating friend who wanted to know what kind of boat I owned. I opened my wallet where I keep a picture of my boat under sail to show people what a Windrider trimaran looks like.

My friend said that I looked so happy in the picture, that maybe this boat was more like a girlfriend to me. I was so surprised by that comment that it got me thinking about my boat in “girlfriend” terms and contrasting her with my three “high maintenance” human girlfriends that by all measures were not nearly as much fun.

After I thought about how I used her in “boyfriend” terms, I immediately began feeling guilty. In order to assuage this horrible feeling and perhaps take corrective actions so that she won’t leave me like my human girlfriends did, I thought I should start by confessing to what I’ve done since the beginning of our “relationship.”

I came up with a surprisingly long list of what I did to her over the past nine years, and then tried to categorize my actions by the seriousness of the bad behavior from a female’s perspective. After reading these lists, even from a male’s perspective, it is obvious that I must apologize for what a rotten boyfriend I think I have been!
———
13 Minor Bad Boyfriend Behaviors
1. I make her stay outside year round in the worst of weather without any protection.
2. I keep her tied down to a trailer so she won’t go away.
3. Sometimes, I don’t pay attention to her for weeks on end.
4. I make her go out in 90-degree weather for hours on end and don’t care that she is hot.
5. I put her bottom in 35-degree water and don’t care that she is cold.
6. I jump aboard her with dirty boots and wet clothing.
7. I frequently spill hot, cold, or alcoholic beverages on her top and never clean her off.
8. I clean her with a pressure washer at the most powerful setting.
9. I always take her where I want to go.
10. I always force her to do what I want to do.
11. I slammed her into a dock once and blamed it on her.
12. I drag her bottom up and down the beach over sticks, stones, seaweed, and dead fish.
13. I only buy her used stuff unless I absolutely have no other choice, and then complain for days about how expensive her needs are.

Five Somewhat More Troubling Acts for Boyfriends
1. I have allowed and admittedly even encouraged complete strangers to take her out.
2. I have gone to every boat show with the sole purpose of replacing her.
3. I will readily tell my fellow sailors her shortcomings while standing right next to her.
4. I constantly brag about how “fast and easy” she is and offer to let them see for themselves.
5. Once I strapped her to a trailer and dragged her down the highway in order to get her some much needed cosmetic surgery because I was embarrassed by the way she looked.

Four Completely Repulsive Boyfriend Behaviors
1. I make sure that I tell everybody about our age difference: she is 19, I am 66.
2. Three years after beginning my relationship with my “girlfriend,” I bought one of her sisters that by all measures, was much prettier. I used her instead of my “girlfriend” for quite a while and sold her to a complete stranger on Craigslist after she didn’t perform as well as I thought she would.
3. Having another seemingly bright idea a few years later, I bought another one of her sisters. I sold her on Craigslist to another complete stranger when I learned that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t use them both at the same time.
4. Last fall, I bought another sister just because she had a better shaped bottom. Having already learned from #3 above, I dragged her into my basement, stripped everything off of her, and laid her on the cold concrete floor. I’m keeping her there in the dark just in case I get tired of my current “girlfriend.”
———
If you read this story from a female’s perspective and were upset, angry, or even enraged, I wanted to let you know that I’ve just returned from delivering a heartfelt apology to my “girlfriend.” I told her that I love her deeply, and I made a solemn promise to treat her better in the future. I even asked her to tell me what she wanted me to change. You can’t imagine the level of relief I felt when she didn’t say anything!

This story is dedicated to my new non-boating friend whose uncanny insight helped me to realize that my Windrider Sailboat is truly my best girlfriend ever.

About the Author: Dave Nestel logged 240 days on the water in 2017, with his wife Sandy having lived with his boating addiction and sense of humor for 45 years.
 
Reverend, What Can I Do For My Business?


A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.

His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.

As a last resort, he went to a minster and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the minister said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally, the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the minister and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in fine new clothes, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the minister as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The minister recognized the benefactor and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."
 
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment

Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied.

They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
 
Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trapthat measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $140.00 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140.00.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $140.00.
Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.";
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took hisdriver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and addressof the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, " Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight
I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
Take the sign - Please!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….
 
GOOD BYE MOM!

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following

him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.



She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I

hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much

like my late son."



He answered, "That's okay."



"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the

store, it would make me feel so happy."



She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the

store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."



The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..



Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to

pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her

things, too."



Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

Description: ...

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!
 
Father with his Daughter's Fiancée



A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.


"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.


"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.


"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"


"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."


"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.


"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."


"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"


"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.


The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.


Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"


The father answered, “Another college student. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I’m God."



Priceless!!!!!!
 
A Trip to Rome


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who f......ed up your hair?"
 
x2jnd1.jpg
 
Harley Davidson Closing Plant Due to Declining Sales

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why. Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get educated.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

 
A Blonde, Brunette & Redhead Escape From Jail

One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.

One was blonde, one was brunette, and the other was a redhead.

They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking, the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.

When all three were inside, the redhead, quickly thinking, said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.

They all got in their little potato sacks, and, barely a minute later, the police came crashing through the door.

They looked at the sacks and said: 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.'

The officer kicks the red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises.

'Hmm, just puppies in that sack'

The officer kicks the brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises.

'Hmm, just kittens in that sack' He says.

He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears...

'POTATOES, POTATOES!'
 
Three Gentlemen Play a Round of Golf


Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day.

They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee.

The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.

To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club.

The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.

The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water.

The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink.

As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth.

At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft.

As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree.

When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...

Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."
 
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