Daily Laugh 2

Wealthy Americans forced to take on second sailboat

The Onion publication, a safe haven for satire, keeps the stigma alive that sailing is an activity for only the affluent...

Explaining how economic conditions were drastically altering citizens’ behavior and spending patterns, a report released this week by researchers at Stanford Business School in Palo Alto, CA revealed that rising income inequality was causing more wealthy Americans to take on a second sailboat.

“While those with higher incomes used to be able to get by with just a single reliable sailboat, that is no longer the case. Over the past 15 years, changing financial circumstances have led more and more affluent individuals across the country to get a second watercraft,” said the report’s lead researcher, Robert Anthony, adding that nowadays it’s not uncommon for a rich American to have to juggle two, or sometimes even three 40-foot luxury sailing vessels, which are oftentimes located far apart from one another at different marinas.

“For many of the individuals at the top of the socioeconomic ladder, it is no longer even a matter of choice; to give their families the lives that they want for them, a second double-masted sailing ship is the only option that makes sense. In fact, if you visit some of the nation’s wealthiest neighborhoods, you rarely even see the primary earner in any given household, as they’re almost always out on one of their two sailboats at any hour of the day.”

The report noted that the growing nationwide disparity in wealth was also forcing many of America’s richest citizens to make the extremely difficult decision between an infinity pool or a saltwater pool when buying an additional property in California’s wine country.
 
Tyboo and DaNag ... if this is a little too far over the Acceptable Edge, please feel free to delete.
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
Dear santa, For this year I’m requesting, a fat bank account, and a small body. P.S. This year, please don’t mix them up, like you did last year!
 
I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat. To top it off, it was raining so I couldn't go for a walk, bike or run. The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the car. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.
 
An old man was sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons.

After a while a young punker with red, purple, yellow and green
spiked hair sat down next to the old man.

The old man chuckled as he looked at the punker who immediately
took offense and said, "Hey, old man. Haven't you ever done anything wild,
off the wall exciting in your boring life?"

After thinking a bit, the old man replied, "Yes I have. I once got
drunk and had sex with a parrot. And the reason I'm laughing is
I thought you could be my son."

Aye.
 
Being old college roommates, an engineer and a psychologist decided to take
a hot air balloon ride by themselves.

Not long after starting, the wind changed and blew them far off course and they
became lost. As they approached the mountains, the engineer spotted 2 hikers
below and yelled down to them, "Hey, where are we?"

The 2 hikers huddled together for what seemed like an eternity seemingly
discussing the situation and then yelled back, "You are in a balloon."

The psychologist exclaimed to his confused friend, "Darn. Just our luck to run into
a couple mathematicians."

The engineer asked back, "How did you know they are mathematicians?"
The psychologist replied, "Well, first they took a long time to answer.
Secondly, they are exactly correct. And lastly, their answer is of absolutely no
practical value whatsoever."

Aye.
 
If you wants to talk with God,
go to a quiet corner and talk to him ....
He hears you ...

If you want to see him,
send him a Text while driving ....
 
The above started out regarding vehicle safety while driving:

"If you believe in Jesus, honk your horn.

If you want to see him now, text."

IMHO for the record.

Aye.
 
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.


The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.


The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.


He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Hospital.


A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.


She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.


"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.


He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."


The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"


He replied, "No money in the bank."


Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."


The patient replied, Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 
Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.



3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.



4. A dog's parents never visit.



5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.



11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.



12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.



And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.



To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see
who's happy to see you.
 
I've owned dogs.
And, I've been married. I am now.

You forgot one thing about dogs in your list above.

15. Dogs love heavy petting in public.

Aye.
 
My wife hates that "dogs better than woman" "thing"(joke).

Her's one back from her at us men:

A REAL MAN

A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up or let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she thought she
could never do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and
give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels she is the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to
always be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.




No wait....


sorry...

I'm thinking of wine.
It's wine that does all that...

Never mind.


Aye.
 
Foggy":3fb3vu79 said:
I've owned dogs.
And, I've been married. I am now.

You forgot one thing about dogs in your list above.

15. Dogs love heavy petting in public.

Aye.

and

16. A dog doesn't get upset when you accidentally
call it by another dog's name.

and, finally

17. When your dog gets old and starts to snap at you
constantly, you can shoot it.

Aye.
 
Foggy":1xhuo22m said:
Foggy":1xhuo22m said:
I've owned dogs.
And, I've been married. I am now.

You forgot one thing about dogs in your list above.

15. Dogs love heavy petting in public.

Aye.

and

16. A dog doesn't get upset when you accidentally
call it by another dog's name.


and, finally

17. When your dog gets old and starts to snap at you
constantly, you can shoot it.

Aye.

Dogs don't mind if you repeat yourself. (see #2 in the first Dog post) :twisted:
 
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